I have been avoiding this blog.
I am a writer. I love to write. Even though I think I am a good speaker too, there is just something so tremendous about how with writing one can take a few seconds, or minutes, to come up with just the right word, the right phrase, to exactly convey what is meant. I can be careful and deliberate and yet the reader doesn't have to sit and wait while I figure out how to express myself. There is the delete button too, which I consider to be simply wonderful. It is the ultimate do-over. Type out a word or phrase, or even entire paragraph, and it's not exactly what I want? Easy to solve: just hit "delete" and walk on. Writing is really great.
Yet there are times when even writing doesn't work. When I can't even begin to bring myself to the keyboard. When I have only a word, or a short phrase, and if I utter it, it doesn't capture at all what I meant to communicate. When whatever I write has more a chance of being misunderstood that not.
That's how I have felt lately.
I tend to be a pretty cheerful person, pretty upbeat and optimistic. I usually see the glass half-full or so. I look for the silver lining. The lesson. Maybe some people think that kind of outlook is Pollyannish, but I don't close my eyes to the hard stuff. I know there is water missing from the glass. I know that for there to be a silver lining, there has to be a cloud too. I just am a hopeful person and look for the good outcome.
I also don't want to use this blog as a place to blow off hot air needlessly. Don't get me wrong, there are definitely lots of times when I'm full of complaints, and I certainly express more of them than I would like, but I seriously work hard to delete them out of my mind as soon as they appear and not give them the light of day. It doesn't do me any good to mouth off, and it doesn't do anybody else any good either to have to put up with me doing so.
But I do want to try to convey what is going on.
The short answer is that we are still waiting news to travel. We went from a status of being extremely-excited-and-over-the-moon-happy-because-it-could-be-any-day-now to they.are.on.Christmas. holiday.for.nearly.three.weeks.and.so.we.have.to.wait.some.more. At present, I think we are technically back in that any-day-now status. Yet somehow, it just doesn't feel like that. Maybe it is my psyche's self-preservation mode, I don't know. Maybe a person just can't remain on high alert for all that long. We were flying high and singing a joyful tune at the thought of spending our son's second birthday with him and celebrating Christmas as a family of five. Just so happy. And then when we learned that things were not going to happen like we thought they would, it was just so excruciatingly painful. Deflating. Harsh. As if all the air had left the room. We have picked ourselves up as best we can, but things just feel different right now. Again, maybe this is self-preservation. But I can't seem to shake the feeling that he has slipped from our grasp. As far as I know, this is unfounded. We have not been told anything that would lead us to that conclusion. But it is still the nightmare in my head.
As usual, I am spending much time in prayer and in meditating on God's Word. I am hoping we will hear joyful news, and I will remain a person of hope. However, should the nightmare come to pass, I do know that no matter what does happen, God will continue to hold us and be our true silver lining.