Day 16: Medical exam, shots, and I-600 approval!!

Wow -- what a day!!  I feel like I keep saying that, but it really was!  Things went smoother among the three boys than they have in the last few days, so that was wonderful in and of itself.  I don't know if the two older boys were trying a little more, or if Noah seemed to understand better, or if it was just a shower of grace from heaven, but whatever it was, I am thankful.  They had a lot of really cute moments of play together, and not nearly as many bad moments.  Things are definitely progressing on the sibling front.

Mario and Erik finished all their school work, which is awesome, except Mario still has some cursive writing practice to do.  He's not been liking it very much, so has been putting it off until manana pretty much every day.  Tomorrow is the last full day for them here, so he's going to have to do it!  I am extremely grateful to their teachers for preparing school work packages for them.  It required a lot of planning and photocopying on their part, and it has really helped the boys not fall behind.  Plus it definitely helped us structure our days.  And I got to work with them on fun things like alliterations!  On a few different occasions while we were waiting for Ileana to pick us up, we took turns through the alphabet coming up with sentences that had alliterations.  It was fun seeing who could come up with the wackiest one.

Then this afternoon, within an hour of when Ileana was going to pick us up and take us to Noah's medical appointment, we learned that we had I-600 approval!!  This is a BIG deal!!  For most people that we know, it has taken one or two or three weeks to get approval, so we were extremely pleased that it took just three days.  Course, one friend we know only took one day, but hey, I am not complaining one single solitary bit!  So I quick-fired an email off to the immigration section at the Embassy asking for our visa appointment.  They don't generally hold visa appointments on Fridays.  Ileana thinks she knows of one family that had one on Friday, so I thought I would give it a try, and asked to possibly get an appointment for tomorrow since my husband and the other boys were leaving on Saturday, they are very attached, would cause confusion with our new little two year old, etc etc etc.  I figured it was a long shot, since it was after 1:00 at this point, and Ileana was going to pick us up at 2, and we might be gone for several hours at the doctor's office, but I figured it was worth a try.  I didn't hear a response by the time we were out the door.

We headed to the medical center, and the lab folks took a look at Noah's arm where he had the tb test.  All clear!  Then we waited for the doctor.  He was to arrive at 3, and I think we probably got there around 2:30.  Because of our son's young age, they put him at the front of the line, even though we were not the first people there.  I was extremely grateful for that.  Anyway, we headed in to the doctor's office, talked with him a while, he examined Noah (who really didn't want to have his shirt removed), then the nurse gave him a couple shots.  The doctor followed this up with candy for all the boys, and gave us the famous sealed envelope that we are not to open at all under any circumstances but to bring it to the visa interview.  I just put it in our folder, and will not touch it.  I won't even let anyone else touch it or so much as breathe on it.  We thanked the doctor profusely, and headed out the door.  I can't believe how painless that was.  Well, I guess one member of our party didn't think it was so painless, the one that was on the receiving end of those shots, but it could have been much worse and taken much longer.  As it is, we were back at the hotel by 4.

I ran inside to our apartment to see if we had heard anything back about the visa interview, but no such luck.  Ileana took us for a diaper run to Walmart, and since we were so close to McDonald's, well, you know what happens next.  We actually didn't stay very long this time as it was much more crowded in the play place.  Like it normally is, I suspect.  So we ate a little, played a little, and headed back home.  Chocolate ice cream to go please.  Checked email again, and still no word about the visa interview.  In fact as I am writing this later in the evening, we still haven't heard anything.  Not that I expect embassy workers to be still at the office at 9:00 at night, but anyway, I think that means that Jerry and the older boys will be flying on Saturday sans Mommy and toddler.  This means that we definitely have to have Jerry sign power of attorney for me so that I can take Noah out of the country.  We hear that they are very strict about that around here at airport immigration, so that is a definite for the to do list.

I just can't tell you how thrilled I am that we have I-600 approval.  It is such a huge relief because it gives me somewhat of a sense of how much more time Noah and I will be here, and it is not much longer!  Sure, it would be way cool to fly home on Saturday with the rest of the family, but I think we will make do just fine for another few days.  Either that or all the Coke Zero that I drank this afternoon has gone to my head.

Here's hoping and praying that tomorrow we'll hear back from the immigrant visa section that we have our appointment on Monday.

Day 15: From Daddy's boy to Mama's boy

Can you predict what happened today?

No, we didn't hear back from the Embassy.

No, but little mister Noah was all about Mommy today.  I'm not sure if Jerry even picked him up before about 3 in the afternoon.  It was the all-Mommy-all-the-time channel.  Jerry joked that it was like a vacation.  I'm sure it was for his back and arms!  Similar to how it was for Jerry the first couple days where Noah wanted nothing but Daddy, that is what I was doing today.  Lots of carrying and playing and everything.  At one point, we were chuckling at the little guy and thinking he was a little Italian Honduran:  he has a way of gesturing when we wants to go for a walk, kind of a hand wave with his palms out front.  He would do that and say "Mama, Mama,"  looking just like (if there is such a thing) an Italian Honduran!  Jerry was able to get him down for his nap, and I am so very glad about that.  It was a hot day today, so I was feeling rather sweaty carrying the hot little guy around.  Moods were rough today by a couple of the other family members, and by the middle of the afternoon, we needed some special help.  McDonald's anyone??  Yes!!  All the boys had chocolate ice cream; a bottomless Coke Zero was more my speed.  Oh yes, and that brilliant air conditioning and an almost completely deserted play place.  It was really heavenly there for a while.

We had dinner back at the apartment, and moods went south again.  It has been a long trip and is really starting to show.  Home is looking really good right about now.

One nice thing is that there is a Canadian couple, adopting a boy, who arrived earlier this week on their first trip.  We talked yesterday and today about the interview and testing process at IHNFA, and it was funny for me to relive memories of our first trip.  All the questions, all the filling in the circles on the MMPI test, all the not sure what is going to happen next.  Seems like so long ago, except the not sure what is going to happen next part.  Still got that one.

I really am wondering how long it will be for us to get clearance from the Embassy.  At this point I feel much better able to take care of Noah by myself than I would have felt last week.  His attachment to me has grown amazingly.  But I still shudder at the thought of Jerry, Mario, and Erik leaving in about sixty hours from now.  I'm going to miss them terribly, and poor Noah is going to be so confused.  I know God knows what He is doing.  I pray for the grace to accept and embrace His will, whatever it might be.

Day 14: Living in the moment

The title for today is more of a reminder to myself than something I practiced perfectly.  All day long, I wanted to sit at the computer hitting refresh to see if we had news from the Embassy letting us advance to the next step.  My mind continually reminds me that we've got a clock that is ticking and ticking.  Jerry, Mario, and Erik are leaving on Saturday.  That is less than four days at this point.  I have been hoping that Noah and I will be able to join them and depart at the same time, but the chance of that is slim and getting slimmer.  Not impossible -- nothing is impossible with God.  He doesn't need great odds; He can (and often does) pull out a surprise at the last moment.  And trust me when I say that I am most definitely praying for that.

We didn't hear from the Embassy today.  Like I said, I wanted to sit at the computer and hit refresh all day.  But I didn't.  Sure, periodically I would wander over and check, but I tried as much as possible to just let it go.  I was constantly reminded to live in the moment.  I am here in this beautiful country with my absolutely wonderful husband and my three precious boys, all of whom I love fiercely.  We played lots together, we read stories, watched a couple movies, played hide and seek on the terrace, ate, laughed, danced, and a whole variety of things.  If I had sat at the computer all day, I would have missed so much.  If I had been mentally off on my own "what if'ing" all day, I would have accomplished nothing, and wouldn't have been living up to what I am called to be: a wife and mother.  I would have totally lost this day, which will only come around once.

And you know, today was huge.  I didn't get to check off anything big on the adoption checklist (although Noah did get his tb test so I guess that is something), but I got to do what I was supposed to do: love my family.

And you wouldn't believe what I got in return.  I heard "Mama" from Noah for the first time!  He said it all afternoon and evening!  At first we weren't sure, but then it became completely obvious to all of us!  He was calling me "Mama!!!"  He wanted me to put him in his high chair, he wanted me to bring him more yogurt, he wanted me to read a book to him, he wanted me to pick him up and dance with him, he wanted me to get something that was caught under the sofa, he wanted me to play hide and seek with him, on and on and on.  Really incredible!  This is the kid that wouldn't give me the time of day two weeks ago.  And now, he was calling me Mama, hugging and squeezing me, giggling with me, playing with my hair, and planting big wet sloppy toddler kisses right on my lips!  One time Jerry tried to pick him up instead when he needed something, but no, Noah wanted "Mama!!!"  Just amazing, and totally a gift from God.

So, I am really trying not to worry about whether we hear from the Embassy this week.  Believe me, I seriously want to hear from them first thing in the morning, so that there is a chance that we can all fly home together on Saturday.  I don't want to be away from Jerry, Mario, and Erik.  And I don't like the idea of little Noah having to be separated from them either, so soon after being separated from his foster mother and the whole life he has ever known, and then making great strides at attaching to his new daddy and brothers.  How would he understand that?  Even if it were only going to be for a few days or a week, and then we would follow, how do you explain a few days or a week to a two-year-old?

I know this whole experience is in God's hands.  I know that nothing surprises Him, and that He can always be counted on to bring good out of any situation.  And even if they leave on Saturday, and Noah and I are still here, it will be ok.  God will be holding us, and holding them too.

Day 13: The Embassy

This is another night when I am mentally worn out, but I want to do my best to capture the day.

We went to the U.S. Embassy today for our 10:00 appointment.  Ileana (what would we ever do without her??) met us at the hotel and got us to the Embassy right on time.  We had to park across the street, and then hold hands with the kids and run across while dodging traffic.  Ileana made it very clear to the boys that they had to hold on tight and do just what we said as those drivers would not stop.  They were good!  We were very happy when there was a gap in the traffic and we could make it across relatively easily.  We had left all of our electronic gear at home to make the trip through security easier.  Ileana had her cell phone, and we had heard from families at this point last year that you could leave your electronic devices at security and get them on the way out.  But no, they wouldn't let them in at all.  So she had to stay outside.

We went in and through security.  It was much like the airport or in a federal building in the States.  They didn't make us take our shoes off though, which was nice.  We had heard that some people had to do that, but that might have had something to do with high heels.  I was in flats, thank you very much!  The boys walked through fine, even little mister Noah, so cute behind his older brothers!  Jerry about lost his pants without his belt.  All that exercising he's doing chasing after Noah and carrying him around!!  The Honduran adoption weight loss plan!

After that, we were directed to the correct window and met the USCIS official who will review our case.  We gave her the I-600 form (Petition to Classify Orphan as an Immediate Relative) and all the supporting paperwork.  Everything was there, and in the correct order, and everything looked great!  I think I even heard the word "perfect" once or twice.  The official looked relieved, as did we.  God bless you Marta and Ileana!  Jerry has been calling these two ladies the dynamic duo.  They have been incredible to work with.  We were at the Embassy for twenty minutes total.

So now we wait.  I am hoping and praying that they are able to have what they need to make a decision soon.  The Embassy process works in a couple steps.  First is the I-600 process.  It is not the immigrant visa yet, but once we pass this step, then we can apply for the visa.  Oh, and there is a medical exam too, likely with some shots.  Youch!!

After we left the Embassy, we went for an early lunch at KFC.  How could all three boys possibly be hungry?  It was not even 11:00.  Well, we pretty much had the playplace all to ourselves for most of our stay there.  Course, it took a while for the chicken to be brought out to us.  I'm sure they hadn't even harvested the birds by the time we walked in, or heated up the oil!  The boys did have a great time playing.  Noah was hysterical.  He seriously thought he was a big time kid, running around, jumping on the mats of the playplace, going down the baby slide and doing a face plant on purpose each time.  That laugh he has was music to my ears.  I was remarking with Ileana how it has been less than two weeks now since we have been in country, and the first day he was crying his little eyes out and looking so so sad, and now he is loving us and laughing all the time.  He and I can just look at each other funny and start giggling.  We have come such a long way, he and I!  And I am still not his favorite parent, so you can just imagine how much he loves Jerry.  I thank God and praise Him for all these blessings He has showered on our family.

The boys were able to pick their toy that accompanied their meal.  Mario picked an Alvin and the Chipmunks watch, Erik an Alvin and the Chipmunks earphone case, and Noah an Alvin and the Chipmunks notepad and carrying case that could also carry a CD.  I only know that Erik's was an earphone case because it said so on the plastic wrapper.  I had asked Erik what it was.  "I don't know." he said.  "But I want it."  Oh boy.  Noah carried his notepad and case around and around, again thinking he was big time.  I personally was partial to Mario's watch.  He told us what time it was every minute on the drive home.  It took us fifteen minutes to get there.  I am sure about that.

We did some more playing the rest of the day, some in our apartment, and some on the terrace, and did some reading too.  It's funny:  we can be having the best of times, and then suddenly it is, well not exactly the worst of times, but seriously rocky.  The boys for the most part are loving each other and getting along very well.  They can be so amazingly cute together.  And then.....let's just say we are still adjusting to being a family of five.  It can be rough when your new two-year-old brother knocks over your dinosaur creation you just made out of blocks, or wants to hold one of the stuffed animals that you really really really wanted to be playing with right at that exact moment, or kicks the ball that you really wanted to have a turn to kick and it's not fair because he just kicked it the last four times, etc.  And these problems seem oh so big when you are just a kid yourself, away from home for nearly two weeks already, and having your life permanently changed by the addition of a sibling.  And the two-year-old did come with a few bad habits of his own.  We have been working on them, but they are not out of the picture yet.  But in his defense, he has completely had his world rocked.  It may take a while yet before he sheds those bad habits completely.  He is two after all.  So I get it, I really do.  I continue to give them lots of love and pray for them all, and pray that we can all get home soon to at least what is a very familiar place to most of us, and can really start our regular life as a family of five.

Day 12: Valle de Angeles

We had another fun adventure today, this time to Valle de Angeles.  Jerry and I visited there on our trip in August, and now we have enjoyed it as a family of five.  Six if you count Ileana -- she sure feels like family to me!

The drive there is beautiful, the scenery gorgeous.  Mario and Erik enjoyed spotting the cows, the chickens, the horses, and of course all the dogs all the way there.  It is not a very far drive, but you definitely get out of the city, and it just feels so peaceful and green.  What a gorgeous country this is.

Valle de Angeles actually was somewhat crowded today, as it is Sunday.  Apparently a lot of people from the city like to venture out there on Sundays.  It was fun to see the town square full of people and so lively.  We did a little souvenir shopping and had a little snack and walked around a bit, and that was about it.  I think it is such a great little place.

On the drive home, we saw a lot of little spots on the side of the road roasting corn.  I love roasted corn.  I must have said something like "Mmmm, roasted corn!" without even being aware of it.  Ileana said "Want to stop?  I'll get some too."  So we did, and all of us enjoyed it.  So we drove back to town enjoying our roasted corn with lemon and salt, and it was tasty tasty tasty.

We had a simple dinner tonight at our apartment, and played a little before bed.  We are all enjoying getting into "roar fests" as we call them with Noah.  He thinks its great, all this roaring!  It definitely is funny.   He certainly has grown in his attachment to us, which is a big relief to me.  I think he still prefers Jerry quite a bit, but he likes me now too.  Thank you God for that!

Big day tomorrow!

Day 11: The zoo

What can I say about today?  It was kind of a hard one, mostly for the two older boys.  I think they are just plain ready to be home.  Plus, it is a hard transition for the two of them to suddenly have a new two-year-old in the family.  Well, not really "suddenly" as this has been in the works for such a long time, but it was like one day they had never met him, then the next day they played with him for about an hour, and the next day he is their brother and is with them all the time.  It is a big transition when you are used to things being a certain way, and then they are big time different.  They do love him, that is clear to me, but there is a lot of togetherness on this trip with very little down-time for them.  It is a hard thing for adults, so of course it is going to be challenging for kids.  I try to soothe feathers as best I can, and distract them as best I can, and try to remember to praise them when I catch them doing something good, but it is something that is going to take time before we all find our new normal.

One supremely nice thing though is that there are plenty of absolutely adorable moments involving the three boys, and when I see them it is like a glimpse of heaven.  The three of them have been loving to run around on the terrace together and play hide and seek or some sort of mob run where they seemingly make as much noise as possible.  Sometimes Noah will grab Erik or Mario's hand to walk with them, which is precious.  Mario and Erik are usually so quick to point out when Noah is sad about something or wants something or doesn't want something.  Noah wants to be around them so much, it is obvious he thinks they are awesome.  Erik loves to get Noah a banana in the morning, and Mario is quick to grab Noah's hand when he gets close to the steps.  They are all three good boys, and I know it will all work out with time, patience, encouragement, and a lot of prayer.

Ileana drove us to the zoo this afternoon, which was a fun diversion.  It is not like our zoo at home, but it was something, and we saw several animals that we had never seen before:  several types of birds, a very heavy looking tapir, lots of types of snakes, and many zoo standby's:  a lion, some jaguars, rabbits, deer, monkeys, raccoons, peacocks, and some others.  We had a monkey incident:  one monkey was walking around on his own around the zoo and just walked right up to us and on down the path.  Ileana happened to mention a funny story involving another family who was at a resort town, and there were monkeys running loose there too.  As often happens, those monkeys would take things that weren't hidden away, and these ones apparently had good taste and would try to take jewelry, cameras, phones, etc.  One of our boys was especially nervous that this monkey would come and take the camera right out of my hand, and was oh so much happier when the monkey was in another part of the zoo.  I won't say who was nervous:  what happens at the zoo stays at the zoo.

The zoo is located in a park near the top of a mountain called El Picacho, which was maybe thirty minutes drive from our hotel.  The park also has a large statue of Jesus, Cristo Picacho, overlooking the city, some playgrounds, and a replica of some Mayan ruins.  It was great to do something new for the day.  The views of the city below were simply gorgeous.  Mario, Erik, and I walked to the top of the Mayan ruins replica, which was neat too, though I definitely had a hard time getting my size ten feet on those narrow steep steps.  It was a good thing Jerry and Noah stayed on the bottom or we might have had some skinned knees to deal with.

More adventures tomorrow!

Day 10: Passport: Yes!!!!

So many great things happened today it is amazing.  Ileana picked us up at 9:45, and we went to the passport bureau.  We met Marta there, and didn't have to wait too long before going into a cubicle and getting Noah's picture taken.  The passport official entered all the appropriate information in the computer system, Jerry and I signed, and I think that was it.  I'm sure we were there less than an hour.  We had brought school work and snacks along with us, in case it was a long wait, but we barely did any school work, and didn't even touch the snacks.  We had been told the bureau was something like the DMV on steroids, and there was some truth to that since it was very crowded, and we would have been hard pressed to figure out which line to even start in, had it not been for Ileana and Marta.  Regardless, I think it was still a good idea to bring the school work and the snacks.

We would need to come back later to pick up the completed passport, so we headed out to get another photo of him for the U.S. visa, which is the next thing on our list.  We went to a new mall called the City Mall.  When we were on our first trip here in August, the mall was not fully completed, but now it is open and very nice looking indeed.  We found a Quick Photo, which lived up to its name.  No waiting in line, and the photos were done twenty minutes later.  So awesome.  While we were hanging out at the mall, I was able to connect with the U.S. Embassy by phone and made an appointment for Monday at 10:00 to deliver our I-600 and the rest of the packet of information. See what I mean -- this day just keeps getting better and better!  After that, we stopped at KFC for lunch and a little bit of playtime and cartoon watching.  By 2, the passport was ready!  And it is the cutest little passport photo too!

God has been so amazing for us this week.  The way the week started, with the national registry on strike and no idea when it would end, I wasn't sure what was going to happen, but I am so happy with how much has transpired.  And the fact that we have our appointment at the Embassy on Monday is just awesome.

The Spanish family that is here at the hotel is leaving for home tomorrow!  They had been waiting to get paperwork out of the registry too, but have been able to get everything done, and are now ready to fly.  They have been here three weeks in total for this trip.  I am incredibly happy for them.  Our kids have been playing so nicely together on this trip:  running around on the terrace, playing hide and seek in all the obvious places, visiting the fish in the fountain (mama, papa, baby).  It has been absolutely adorable to watch them.  And to the four of them, it didn't matter that our two older boys speak very little Spanish, that she speaks no English, and that Noah doesn't speak at all.  They could just play play play with no barriers at all.  So sweet.

Noah let me in a little bit more tonight, actually more than just a little bit, I think.  Jerry was changing his diaper and was getting him ready for bed, and I went in and sat next to Noah on the bed where Jerry was changing him.  After the fresh diaper was on, I reached for Noah's socks to try to help out a little.  Noah got a playful look in his eye, and somehow we started wrestling and giggling.  I started kissing him real loud and he started laughing even louder, and then somehow we started growling at each other, first one then the other, back and forth, back and forth.  That probably went on for nearly five minutes.  My voice was starting to get hoarse, but there was no way I was going to stop for anything!  Ok, then eventually I had to stop as it was getting close to bedtime, and it didn't seem fair to wind up the kid right before handing him over to Jerry to settle down and get to sleep.  I could have tried to put him to bed myself, but I thought I didn't want to push it too far and get him crying at me again.  Better to stop while I was ahead.  But boy was it fun!

Ok, now after all this good news, I can share the funny stuff.  Apparently Thursday night is the night for concerts around here.  Erik woke me up in the middle of the night last night saying he could hear loud music that scared him.  Sure enough, it was the same loud concert music as last week!  Maybe not the same songs, but definitely the same guy, the same loud volume, and the same distorted sound.  And now tonight, we've got it going again.  Jerry just said, "I've been listening to this music, and it is really bad!"  Yeah, no kidding!!!!  I don't remember it starting this early last Friday, but maybe it did.  It is just super funny to me.  I wonder if they'll sing "My Way" again.  Maybe it sounds a whole lot better up close, but I have a hard time believing that that could be true!

Day 9: Birth certificate success!

Another day with great news from Ileana:  we have Noah's birth certificate!!  We found out just after lunch time -- I think I was doing a happy dance for about fifteen minutes long.  So happy and relieved to have that!  So tomorrow, we go for the passport.

We also were able to do laundry today, so each of us has a stack of freshly smelling clothes.

And it rained today!  Not a huge rain, but rain nonetheless.

Today marks the halfway point for Jerry, Mario, and Erik being here.  Yesterday morning, before we knew that the registry was open, I was not feeling too good about the fact that we were nearly halfway through their part of the trip.  I have been trying to stay in the moment and live one day at a time, but I was getting trepidatious that I might have a very long time ahead of me when it was just me and Noah, after the other three had left for home.  But now, with the birth certificate in hand, and going for the passport tomorrow, I feel so much better.  I think we will still have some amount of time when it is just the two of us, but the way things are going now, it hopefully won't be too many days.  He will let me get him in and out of the high chair now, which is some progress, but I still can't hold him very long before he will start to get upset about it.  He is going to be majorly upset after they leave, no way around it.

Anyway, I don't need to dwell on that.  It is in God's hands, and we are going for the passport tomorrow (assuming it isn't the passport bureau's time to strike -- hee hee!).

Day 8: National Registry is back at work

Yay! 

Ileana took me grocery shopping this morning, and greeted me with the good news that the registry is back at work today.  I was so relieved to hear that.  I don't know how long it will take for them to process Noah's birth certificate, but at least the strike is off, which feels like a major step forward.

I had my first little test as a single parent today.  (No, not the first test ever, just on this trip, and for more than just while Jerry was in the bathroom.)  Jerry had to take a conference call, so he ran up to the rooftop terrace with his computer after eating a quick lunch, and I was left with the three boys.  Noah was eating pasta happily in his high chair.  Thank goodness the boy is a good eater, as it bought me at least five minutes.  After that point, he realized his favorite parent had left the apartment.  He got that very sad expression on his face and wanted out of the high chair.  I got him down -- he had eaten quite a bit of food at that point -- and then he proceeded to walk around the apartment looking for Jerry, and crying (somewhat) softly.  He realized he must have gone out the door, and pointed at it trying to get me to open it.  I said no, and then the real crying started.  Crying.  Shrieking.  Screaming.  The other two boys grabbed some toys, ran to their bedroom, and shut the door to get away from the noise.  Thanks buds, leaving me in my hour of need.  I picked Noah up so that he didn't go into full-blown tantrum and bang his head against the cement floor, and tried to comfort him, distract him, anything I could do.  I might have gone deaf there briefly, but the cries stopped after probably five minutes.  I put him down, and he wanted his shoes on.  I put them on him, which probably bought me a little goodwill, and he went to his favorite chair.  I worked on all the distraction ideas I had in my bag of tricks:  singing songs and acting them out with a few little playschool animals, giving him his puppy, giving him a couple balls and tossing them back and forth with him, juggling, making silly faces, etc.  Poor guy just looked so sad, but eventually his eyes started to look sleepy and he fell asleep in his chair.  I'm going to declare this experience a success.

I wrote all that while he had his nap, and it is a good thing that I did it then, as now it is later in the evening, and I am wiped out.  I don't think I would have done justice to the details if I had waited until now.  We had a tough afternoon:  some crabby moods (and not just in the children, but in their mommy) and then Erik's cold went through a strange hour where he was coughing and coughing so much and spitting out a ton of phlegm.  There I said it.  Phlegm.  Isn't that one of the absolute grossest words in the entire English language?  I don't think it is quite an onomotopeoia, but practically.  It always feels like phlegm starts to grow in the back of my throat everytime I hear anyone say the word.  So so yuk.  Anyway, poor Erik.  This is an issue he has periodically when he has a cold, especially if his nose isn't blown super regularly, but it seemed especially gross and productive tonight.  Maybe because we were already in a crabby mood, or maybe because we are out of town, or maybe because even though we are only on day eight we are already ready to be home.  Maybe all of those together.  It makes me feel like a big time wimp to admit it, but there it is.  I am so thankful that we have Noah, and thankful that we signed his adoption decree, and thankful that his file is now with the national registry, but I just pray and pray and pray that we can fly through the rest of our milestones and get home.

Day 7: We understand more

Well, here we are after a week in country.  There are so many things every day to be amazed by.  I am so grateful for so many things.  Here's a short list, but there are so many more:
-- The Humuya Inn is absolutely wonderful.  We couldn't ask for a better place.  It is very comfortable, and the staff here are fabulous.  At first we had asked for a pack n play, and it was here in our apartment when we checked in.  Then we learned that Noah was actually sleeping in a regular child's bed.  So we asked if the hotel had a twin bed that we could use.  Within an hour, it was here, set up, and made, just like that.  As soon as we finish one of the big water bottles, we ask for another, and in less than ten minutes, we have a new one.  Everything is like that around here.
-- Our apartment is terrific.  We are so completely comfortable here.  It is bright and airy and spacious, and we have plenty of everything:  chairs, plates, towels, everything.
-- Ileana, our agency rep, has been a dream to work with.  We just love her.
-- Every day, Noah becomes more and more adjusted to the rest of us, and we become more adjusted to him.  For a non-talker, he can really make himself understood, and it just has the rest of us laughing.  He actually has been making more vocalizations, which is terrific.  Several days ago, he was completely quiet, other than when he was crying, but now his sounds are more varied.  I wouldn't call it words exactly, but he does have a way of expressing himself.  Plus I think he gets it that we are really trying to understand him, and so he seems happier about it.
-- Except for a couple nights, he has slept all the way through the night.  Which means that we can sleep too!
-- He let me walk and hold his hand again today, which is great.  He most definitely still has his favorite parent, but he is giving me more and more bones.
-- Mario and Erik have been able to do some schoolwork each day.
-- Mario and Erik have been adapting so amazingly well to all the changes in their little lives.  Things are very different for them, but they are really rising to the occasion.
-- Jerry has been able to do some work work each day.

It definitely hasn't been a walk in the park, but even through the hard parts, we can see so much beauty.  At times, my heart just swells with joy and gratitude for these gifts that I have been given.

Still no resolution with the strike at the national registry.

Day 6: Our son's name is.....

Noah Angel Anderson!

I realized today that I could go ahead and document his name on this blog now, since I won't be publishing it until I am at home.  So, yay!  That is his name!  Isn't it a wonderful name?

Some background:  we actually are keeping his birth name, only we are switching around the first name and the middle name.  When we received his referral, we were told that his name was Angel Noe.  I loved it right from the start, and I thought it was a great little God incident since his name is so close to my name Angela and our birthdays are just one day apart.  I didn't even pay attention to his middle name "Noe" and didn't give any thought to what it might mean.  Since his birthday is so close to Christmas, my brain just saw "Noel."  No thought at all.  A couple days later Jerry said that he had concerns about the name, such as rough first days of school every year when teachers would assume it was a girl's name, that he would get teasing from other kids, etc.  I am aware of several Hispanic boys or men that are named "Angel," but Jerry thought there might be trouble, and didn't want him teased.  Well, even though I personally love the name Angel, I thought Jerry probably had a point.  But then it was like, well what now?  What do we name him now?  With all our boys, we have wanted to preserve their birth name, and had said that we would do so unless there was a particular reason why we thought we should change it.  We know of many adoptive parents that want to give a name to their child, and of course that is their right, but for us, we wanted to preserve that tie to their birth family and their birth country.  So it's not like we have had a name selected for a boy and a name selected for a girl, and when we learned our referral we just use that name.  Here we were, without a name selected, and a given name that we thought we wouldn't use.  So what do we do?  We were in name limbo for a couple days, then one morning I was in the shower (I kid you not), and I had this thought come into my mind, fully formed:  "Noe" is "Noah" in Spanish.  Huh?  What? I just knew that Noe was Noah.  I literally almost jumped out of the shower to go to an online English-Spanish dictionary to confirm it, but luckily I waited until I was soap-free before getting out.  I know, TMI.  So as soon as I had towelled off, I looked it up, and sure enough:  "Noe" is "Noah" in Spanish!!  I called Jerry at work and told him.  He was like "Yeah!"  So, our new son had his name:  Noah Angel Anderson!

Well, let me tell you something new about Noah Angel Anderson:  this morning he nodded "yes" for the first time!  Well, the first time to us, at least.  As a two-year-old, he came to us able to shake his head "no."  No big surprise there.  But today was the first "yes" that we had, and we actually got several throughout the day.  We were thrilled!

Other than the nodding thing, today was much the same:  Jerry woke up early to get a few hours of work in before the rest of us got up.  Then we got up and dressed, went downstairs for breakfast, came back up, Jerry played with Noah while I did school work with Mario and Erik, then we stopped mid-morning for a little snack.  Then we all played together for a while, then had lunch.  Jerry got Noah down for a nap, and I did some more school work with the older two boys while he was napping.  Jerry worked.  Yesterday and today Noah only napped about 45 min and then woke up crying.  Jerry tried to get him back to sleep, but every time he tried to leave the room, the little one would wake up, so he eventually gave up.  We were able to do a little more school work, but not much, then all played again until dinner time.  By this time, the two year old was getting crabby, so soon after dinner, he was ready for bed.  Jerry got him into bed and asleep very easily, while the other two stayed up a little longer for stories and prayers.  Then it was time for them to go to sleep.  And that was today.

I am still not Noah's favorite parent.  No contest at all.  But he is letting me in more and more every day, most definitely.  I know it is hard work for Jerry, and I remind myself not to take it personally, and that it is only a matter of time.  I do wonder how long I will have to keep reminding myself.  How long this will be an issue.  We take it one day at a time.

The strike is still ongoing with the national registry.  I have no idea how much longer it will be.

Day 5: Chiminike!

Today was fun!  Our little one woke up just once in the middle of the night.  Actually it was around 5:00 am.  Jerry had just got out of bed to do a little work, and was in the livingroom sitting at the desk.  Just as a little background, Mario and Erik will sometimes wake up in the middle of the night with a bad dream, and will appear next to my bed and whisper in a very quiet voice about a bad dream.  If they do, I just get up, walk them to their room, they get into bed, and I pat their back for maybe a couple minutes, and then I go back to bed.  Since having the boys, I am much lighter of a sleeper and will generally wake up when I notice that someone is standing next to my bed even before they have said anything.  So this morning, as I am asleep in bed, I feel that sensation that someone is standing there.  I open my eyes, and there is our little guy, just looking at me.  I smiled at him, and he started to cry.  So, I walked him over to the bed, got him to lie down, and patted his back.  He went right to sleep, and I was able to sleep a little more too.

Breakfast downstairs went well again.  Our guy loves bananas!  As I have said, he is a very good eater, but bananas are apparently a favorite for him.  Erik got up from the table at one point and returned with a banana.  The little one took one look at the banana, and moved his cereal bowl aside, as if to say, "Bring it on!"  We got him a banana, and he downed it in record time.  I have never seen a child eat a banana so quickly!

We played some up on the terrace and some down in the lobby area in addition to in our apartment.  It has actually been rather windy the last few days, as a result of a tropical storm that is on the north coast.  We haven't had any rain, but it is chillier than normal apparently, and cloudier and windier.  So as much as we love the rooftop terrace, we have not been up there as much the last few days because of the wind,  and have been playing down in the lobby more.  This morning we had several rousing games of hide and seek.  The little one got into the act too, and would always hide in the same place.  To make it even cuter, his hiding place was behind a door made out of a metal grate, so you could see right through it.  Didn't matter though, he thought he was hiding.  So I would look and look for him, but then after a while he would pop out and squeal with a big smile on his face.  This was big time!

He still prefers daddy, but has warmed to me a little bit more.  He has wanted Jerry to hold him a lot.  I have been willing to take over some of that, but he has not been.  I'm not pushing it.  I can see that he is accepting me a bit more every day, and I am sure that I will have my time in the future when it will be all mommy, all the time.  For now, Jerry is getting some weight training on his biceps.

After lunch and nap, we had an adventure to Chiminike, the children's museum.  It was a lot of fun, and I am sure we will return there.   Several places were favorites:  the water room which had a big water table; the little city which had a grocery store, a construction zone, a television studio, and a great ball area; and an outdoor play area.  All three of the boys loved it, as well as Pizza Hut for dinner.

So tomorrow is Monday.  I am hoping and praying that the strike at the national registry will end so that we can get our son's birth certificate this week.

Day 4: We walk and walk and walk some more

Last night went very well.  We ate a good dinner, our new boy is a good eater, and then played lots and walked lots.  At bedtime, we got the little guy dressed in his pajamas and led him to bed.  By this time we had a twin bed set up for him.  He cried when we put him in it, and wanted to go to the room where his brothers were having story time.  It seems he didn't want to miss out on that, because as soon as we set him down on the big bed to listen, he was all fine.  Then when the story was over, we said our prayers.  He watched us intently at that point.  Then we led him back to his bed in our room, and I rubbed his back a little bit.  There was some fuss but not much.  He went from crying to dropping right off to sleep, with no in between.  Just crying, then sleeping.  After that, he was out like a light.  He woke up twice in the night and cried, got out of bed and wanted to walk out of the room, but we led him back to bed and patted his back, and he went right back to sleep again.

Today we had three good meals and snacks as well.  He is a very good eater and eats everything.

I worked on schoolwork with Mario and Erik for maybe an hour or two.  We did some schoolwork yesterday too, but it worked better today.  They both sat at the kitchen counter, and I alternated between them.  I was working it, baby.  Let's just say it is an adjustment for all of us, being a family of five.  I would praise them for the littlest things, and that seemed to help a lot.  Note to self:  keep doing that.

Jerry and the little guy did lots of laps.  I did a lot with him too, but I think Jerry did even more than I did.  At least we are getting our exercise.

I should mention that there is a family from Spain here at the hotel too.  They are a nice couple that are adopting an adorable little girl, and they are on their second trip.  They were actually here on their first trip when we were, back in August, and it has been fun seeing them everyday and comparing notes, especially with regard to adjustment.  They are a little ahead of us, having arrived last week.  Their little girl, who is three years old, really loves to be around other little kids, so she and her papa did some laps this morning with me and our little guy.  At one point after we had been walking for maybe ten minutes, the little girl wanted to hold our son's hand too, so the four of us were walking in one wide row.  It was a little challenging on the turns, but we made it!

What else can I say that is exciting or interesting?  Oh yeah, the power went out briefly.  They have generators here, which kicked in after just a few minutes, so there was no problem at all.  We just have to walk around and reset all the clocks, which in the scheme of things is not even a little problem.

This too: we had another concert in the neighborhood again last night, but it is hardly noticeable from our bedroom.  I slept so much more than the previous night!

Our new son definitely has a preference for one of his new parents, and it is not me.  I am not taking it personally, but I have to keep reminding myself of that.  It is a good thing that we have read a lot about toddler adoption, because our guy is exhibiting many of the classic symptoms, including temporary rejection (boy I hope it is temporary) of one of the new parents.  Apparently, it is not uncommon for toddlers to temporarily reject one of their new parents, and if they do, in most cases it is the mother.  It has to do with the fact that they already have a strong attachment to their former caretaker, who is in most cases a woman, and they want to hold onto that.  In their young minds, they think they are being disloyal to their former caretaker, so they don't let the new mom in.  It does improve with time, say the experts.  I sure am hoping for that.  In the meantime, I keep making myself available for walks and play, gently touch him when I can get away with it, and give him food.  I do get smiles from him and he will hold my hand when we are on walks, but there are lots of times when he will have nothing to do with me.

Bedtime tonight was great.  We all five of us sat in Mario and Erik's room for stories (little mister played peekaboo with me behind his coloring book, yippee!), then I sat with Mario and Erik while they fell asleep.  By the time I walked out of their room maybe ten minutes after we had turned out the light, Jerry was already sitting in the living room, and the little one was already sleeping.  "You know what happened?"  Jerry said.  "We walked in the bedroom, and he just climbed right into his bed, lay down, and fell asleep.  No tears at all, and he went right to sleep."  Incredible.

Day 3: We walk....

Last night was interesting.  As I mentioned yesterday, he would look like he was alright and would be engaged in play and then would cry.  Such sad and forlorn sounds are his cries, seemingly from the depths of his little being.  He would point out the window or at the door and would walk around the apartment searching for, we were sure, his foster mother.  He just didn't know where she was, and he just didn't know how to get back to her.  Then we would be able to distract him with something and he would be ok for a little while again, only to be crying again later on.  He did eat a very good dinner but would not sit in the high chair at all.  Jerry ended up holding him the whole time as I dished out multiple small servings of macaroni and cheese to our three hungry boys.  He is also attached to a particular chair in the living room.  He likes to climb in it and sit by himself.  Him and those big sad eyes.

When it was bedtime, we tried all our tricks to get him to sleep either in our bed or in the pack and play, but neither worked.  He preferred the bed over the pack and play, but not by much.  The place he preferred most of all was the living room chair.  He ended up falling asleep in the chair.  It reclines slightly, so as soon as it was clear that he was in a deep sleep, I reclined it all the way to maximize the space on it, put some cushions on the floor at the foot of it, and I ended up spending the night on the love seat next to the chair.  I might have fallen asleep at some point, but as soon as I would hear any noise, I would wake up, in case it was him moving about, so it was really the lightest of sleep.  Then about midnight, there was all of a sudden some sort of concert nearby.  Huh?  It took about an hour before I could be sure it really was music, or was supposed to be music, as the singer (and I use that term extremely loosely) started belting out "My Way."  It went on until about 3 in the morning, and there was no way I could sleep while it was going on.  After 3, though, it was quiet again, and so I think I nodded off again intermittently.  Morning came around 6.

Today although we stayed in the hotel all day, I am sure we have walked miles and miles and miles.  The little one will pick up his shoes and bring them to either me or Jerry.  We put them on him, and he wants to walk all over the hotel, as if he knows that his foster mother is just around the corner.  But she is always out of his reach.  I remind myself that it has not been very long since his separation from her, and they were together all of his two years.  It is a tough adjustment for anyone to lose someone they love, and this is compounded in someone of his age.  He is old enough to really miss her, but is so young that there is really no way to prepare him or explain to him what is happening.

I do think he has grown in his attachment to us bit by bit.  There are points when he is having so much fun with us and will belly laugh.  Or when we are out on one of our walks, and he will reach for my hand.  It is a small step, but it feels like something.

Day 2: We sign!!!

Honduras is so amazingly beautiful in the morning, and especially so on such a happy day.  We woke up to nice cool breezes in our apartment, and even encountered a hummingbird during breakfast.  They boys tried to catch it, but they have now found something that moves even faster than them.

And the best part of the morning:  we officially have a new son, and he is ours forever!!!  It has taken three years, two months, and several days to get to this point, but we made it.  Happy, happy, happy day.

We made it to IHNFA in time for our 11:00 appointment, in fact we were a little early since it is such a short drive there from where we are staying.  And believe it or not, I think we actually went in to the conference room before 11:00.  All the officials were there, and the reading of the decree proceeded as soon as we had greeted everyone and took our seats at the table.  We signed the decree and gave our fingerprint as well amid flashes from the paparazzi.  Ok, technically they were not paparazzi, but there were a lot of photos.  Some tears, but Jerry always cries for official photos.  Just one of the reasons I love him, the big softie.  (For those that are not used to my humor, it was not actually Jerry that cried, but the shortest one of the party.  I'm not naming any names mind you:  what happens in official conference rooms stays in official conference rooms.)

We went directly from the signing to do some grocery shopping, while Jerry and the boys played and burned off some of that young boy energy.  The three boys played so well together; it was simply wonderful to see.  Jerry kept telling me how proud he was of Mario and Erik:  how well they played with their new brother and how protective they were of him.  Then it was back to the apartment for a little lunch.  The little one did not eat or drink very much, which was not all that surprising.  It is all so new for him.  He did manage to fall asleep for a nap, which is a great thing on its own.  More playing the rest of the day, interspersed with tears.  He had a good appetite for dinner, which was wonderful.  Lots of tears at bedtime, but he is sleeping peacefully at the moment.  It was hard on the other two to see their little brother crying. They love him already and want him to be happy. It is difficult to explain the transition to them, but they are really doing their part to help ease him into the family.  I know it is going to take some time for him to adjust to us; I'm not expecting an easy road for a while, but we'll just keep at it:  loving him, and snuggling with him, and playing with him, and being patient with him. 

Apparently there is a strike with the national registry and birth certificate department, which is our next step.  At this point I am just so unbelievably happy and relieved that we signed the decree today.  This is a major event for us on this adoption journey, and even though there are still several more things that need to happen before we can travel, they all hinge on this extremely important one.  So I am just thankful, thankful, thankful it is now in the rear view mirror.

Day 1: We arrive

I am typing this from the counter top of our wonderful apartment in the terrific Humuya Inn.  We made it and we have seen our son!

Let me back up until this morning, and perhaps a little bit the night before.  Since we had a "rehearsal" of our trip in December, we already knew basically what we needed to do and what we needed to pack.  We have since discovered that we have forgotten a couple things, but mostly I think we did very well.  We tried to go to sleep a little early, and maybe we succeeded a little bit, but I think all four of us were a bit keyed up about the big day, and had to wind down before really being able to sleep.

It wasn't too much later that the alarm rang:  3:30 to be exact.  Our dear friend Diana was going to arrive at 4:00 to drive us to the airport, and we did an awesome job, if I do say so myself, of getting up and dressed and all before she showed up.  The boys were pros:  you'd think we made early morning international flights every month the way they performed!  We got to the airport with no problems, checked in with just a minor delay (one suitcase was overweight so we had to pay a fee on that), went through security, and made it to our gate with time to spare.  Not much time though because even in advance of a 6 am flight, there are a lot of people at the airport and a lot of lines.  They called us to board, and the two tallest Andersons had to bend down considerably to get into the teeny tiny airplane that was going to get us to Houston.  The plane was entirely full, and we were in the last two rows.  Jerry was in the row in front of the boys and I, Mario was on the left side of the aisle where there is only one seat, and I was with Erik on the right side of the aisle.  We tried to get one boy in a row with one parent, but didn't get any takers on shifting seats.  Mario did really great though -- I am extremely proud of how well he did sitting by himself.  I wasn't wearing a watch, but I think we were a little late taking off as our plane needed to be de-iced, but we managed to get off the ground and pointed in the right direction before too long.  The flight was a little bumpy, but nothing that an airsick bag couldn't take care of.  Note to self:  get hold of some dramamine for the return flight.  This came as a big surprise  to us, and it was a blessing that the two people that were sitting next to each other were sitting next to each other.  Nuff said:  what happens on the airplane stays on the airplane.

We made it to Houston, and seriously hoofed it to get to our connecting gate.  It is a very large airport, and moving from one terminal to another takes a while, even with the zippy little tram that the boys really enjoyed.  We made it to our gate, and there are no passengers there, just a couple airline employees at the counter.  My stomach sunk an inch, before one of them looked up and said, "Oh, you must be the Anderson family.  We have been waiting for you."  God bless you United Airlines.  They had been monitoring our earlier flight and knew what time we landed and knew that we'd be moving fast to get there.  What great service!  We got on a much larger airplane and got seats so that one boy could sit with one parent, and were all set.  Again, it is a very good thing that airplanes come equipped with airsick bags.  Note to self:  make sure about that dramamine.  And nothing to drink on the plane not even a little water unless absolutely necessary.  The flight was much rougher than when Jerry and I flew in August.  It was a wild takeoff, and apparently we circled around the airport in Tegus at least a couple times before we touched down.  The brakes are hard on, because it is a short runway, but I think the landing was even rougher than last time.  Anyway, we made it and were very happy to be on the ground.  I think there was some serious happy-dancing going on on the walk into the terminal.

We were the last ones off the plane, I am pretty sure, and therefore the last people to go through immigration.  We learned that if there is a bathroom emergency, especially involving young children, and if there are no bathrooms in the area before you go through immigration, you can actually leave your passports with the immigration official and go through temporarily to the bathroom, then return and go through officially and get your passports.  Just a tip for other families!

Yay, all our luggage made it, and we found Ileana, our agency's in-country representative, as soon as we made it through the glass doors into the main part of the airport.  It was about 1:15 at this point, I think, and Ileana said she had good news:  we were scheduled to sign the adoption decree the very next morning at 11:00, which means that we need to go meet our son in about 45 minutes.  Wow!!  Seriously?  Wow!!  But, what does a hungry family do when they need food in a hurry?  McDonald's drive through!  Hysterical that we are in Honduras less than two hours and already we are having fast food.  We were thinking that we'd have a fast food treat maybe once a week, but given that we have already encountered Ronald McDonald, we might have to up that average.  Especially when they let you pick the toy for your happy meal!  Better than at home!  So we grabbed the food and made it back to our hotel to check in and get our bags into our apartment.  Then we grabbed the things we were going to give the foster mother, and drove over to Casitas Kennedy, where we would meet our son and his foster mother, and sign the temporary custody papers.  We were a little late, but I guess we were already on Honduran time.  Our little one was very shy, and apparently missed his nap too, which doesn't make for a great first encounter.  He had grown so much taller too!  We came back to our hotel to play and see what would happen.  After just a few minutes of shyness, he perked right up and played with us very well.  They wanted to give it a little test and see what would happen if the foster mother walked out without him knowing.  Well, he was just fine until he realized that she wasn't there.  Then he started running around the apartment looking for her and crying.  He hadn't seen which way she had left so he didn't know where she had gone.  We put on our A-game trying to play and distract him, but it was not working.  We gave it a little while, and then decided it would be better for him to spend the night with his foster mother, and we'd see him in the morning for the signing of the adoption decree.  This is really what we had thought would be best anyway, to have a transition rather than a dive into deep water, given his young age and the fact that he hadn't seen us in five months.  We were sure he had forgotten us completely.  Maybe he remembered us a little bit, as he warmed up and started playing with us so quickly, but again, that was when he could keep his eye on his foster mother the whole time.

So they left, we had a little bit for dinner, and got the boys into bed without much delay.  All in all, it was a great first day.  We knew getting into this that it was going to be a challenging time, and indeed we still believe that.  It is such a comfort knowing we are in God's hands.  There is no way we could do even a fraction of it without Him.

Soon and very soon

We are leaving in a few days to start our new adventure as a family of five.  So thrilled it is nearly here after over three years of wait.

We have decided that we are going to have "radio silence" until we are all home.  I know many of you want to follow all the details as they happen.  I was the same way for other families that have proceeded us.  But for reasons of security, we are just going to be laying very low.  I will draft everything that we will do, and as soon as we are all back home, I will hit the publish button, and you can read to your heart's content.  All the posts will be there in the archive.

For now, I would just ask for your prayers for our health and safety, that the process goes smoothly, that the transition goes smoothly, that we live in the moment, and that we can get home soon and very soon as a family of five.

Thank you so much dear friends.  Signing off!

It's happening!!!!!

What a 24 hours this has been!!!  After my long and miserable post of yesterday, I learned that a strike was ongoing as well.  Just to make my mood even a little more dark.  But today has brought good news!!  I literally could not believe it when we learned it and questioned it again and again, but it is true:  our attorney has our sentancia (adoption decree) in her hand.  The judge signed!!  And the strike is over!!  We are good to go!  And to make things even sweeter, I also learned today that the adoption tax credit was made permanent!!

Praise the mighty hand of God!!!

Thank you all who have prayed for us to get us to this point.  You have lifted me up, and I appreciate it like I can't express.  Thank you from the bottom of my heart.

Gotta go pack!!  Yahoo!!!

avoidance

I have been avoiding this blog.

I am a writer.  I love to write.  Even though I think I am a good speaker too, there is just something so tremendous about how with writing one can take a few seconds, or minutes, to come up with just the right word, the right phrase, to exactly convey what is meant.  I can be careful and deliberate and yet the reader doesn't have to sit and wait while I figure out how to express myself.  There is the delete button too, which I consider to be simply wonderful.  It is the ultimate do-over.  Type out a word or phrase, or even entire paragraph, and it's not exactly what I want?  Easy to solve:  just hit "delete" and walk on.  Writing is really great.

Yet there are times when even writing doesn't work.  When I can't even begin to bring myself to the keyboard.  When I have only a word, or a short phrase, and if I utter it, it doesn't capture at all what I meant to communicate.  When whatever I write has more a chance of being misunderstood that not.

That's how I have felt lately.

I tend to be a pretty cheerful person, pretty upbeat and optimistic.  I usually see the glass half-full or so.  I look for the silver lining.  The lesson.  Maybe some people think that kind of outlook is Pollyannish, but I don't close my eyes to the hard stuff.  I know there is water missing from the glass.  I know that for there to be a silver lining, there has to be a cloud too.  I just am a hopeful person and look for the good outcome.

I also don't want to use this blog as a place to blow off hot air needlessly.  Don't get me wrong, there are definitely lots of times when I'm full of complaints, and I certainly express more of them than I would like, but I seriously work hard to delete them out of my mind as soon as they appear and not give them the light of day.  It doesn't do me any good to mouth off, and it doesn't do anybody else any good either to have to put up with me doing so.

But I do want to try to convey what is going on.

The short answer is that we are still waiting news to travel.  We went from a status of being extremely-excited-and-over-the-moon-happy-because-it-could-be-any-day-now to they.are.on.Christmas. holiday.for.nearly.three.weeks.and.so.we.have.to.wait.some.more.  At present, I think we are technically back in that any-day-now status. Yet somehow, it just doesn't feel like that. Maybe it is my psyche's self-preservation mode, I don't know. Maybe a person just can't remain on high alert for all that long.  We were flying high and singing a joyful tune at the thought of spending our son's second birthday with him and celebrating Christmas as a family of five.  Just so happy.  And then when we learned that things were not going to happen like we thought they would, it was just so excruciatingly painful.  Deflating.  Harsh.  As if all the air had left the room.  We have picked ourselves up as best we can, but things just feel different right now.  Again, maybe this is self-preservation.  But I can't seem to shake the feeling that he has slipped from our grasp.  As far as I know, this is unfounded.  We have not been told anything that would lead us to that conclusion.  But it is still the nightmare in my head.

As usual, I am spending much time in prayer and in meditating on God's Word.  I am hoping we will hear joyful news, and I will remain a person of hope.  However, should the nightmare come to pass, I do know that no matter what does happen, God will continue to hold us and be our true silver lining.