I consider myself a late bloomer. Some lessons take a long time for me to get. For example, learning patience and trusting in God. Had you asked me ten years ago, "Do you trust God?" I would have responded, "Yes." And I did. But I tell you, I trust Him a bazillion times more now. Not just in a "Don't be afraid. I've got your back," kind of way, but in an "I've got plans to prosper you, not harm you" way. I trust that God is constantly at work to bring about the best for all of us. That God draws straight with crooked lines and comes up with a masterpiece. I trust that God is so in love with me (and with all of us) that he will do (and has done) everything imaginable and everything possible to show me how much he loves me and to help me to trust Him more so that my life on earth will get more and more rooted in Him and that heaven will rock like nothing I can imagine. I trust that even when I think I am deep in Him that He's not even warmed up yet. I knew that God was trustworthy, but now every cell in my body knows it and proclaims it.
And patience? This has been one of my biggest struggles for years. I think it is my worst fault (though I would not be surprised to learn that I have more and bigger faults that I haven't even figured out yet -- remember, I'm a late bloomer). Anytime I am in confession, losing my patience is my go-to sin. Always at the top of my list. One time a few years ago, I was confessing losing my patience at this and that and the other thing. My pastor said a bunch of things, but one of the things that is imprinted in my memory is: keep working at it, don't be discouraged, and in time patience will be your joy. I probably sat there with my mouth open. Patience will be my joy?? Joy?? What in the world could that mean? I always thought being patient was just sitting and waiting calmly on the outside while inside you are just sort of counting to ten or biding your time in some way, enduring it, just to get to the point of whatever it is that you are waiting for. And then the light turns green and you drive on thinking "Whew. I'm glad that's over." It took me months after that conversation to even get that far in describing what I thought patience was. Now, I'm a bit farther along. Although I still do not think I am patient, I can see that God is using this third adoption to teach me that being patient has a lot to do with trusting Him and realizing that there is something that He is teaching me during the waiting time. The waiting is "on purpose." It's not just that I missed a green light and have to wait through the red for it to turn green again. God wants me to wait. I am just starting to realize that there is joy in the waiting. I don't always find it. In fact, I usually don't find it. But I realize (sometime it is after the fact) that there is joy there. Because God is there in the waiting.
I think of Advent too. How God waited until the exact perfect time to bring His Son into the world. How every year, we have the beautiful season of Advent to prepare for Christ's coming. Certainly to prepare to celebrate his coming at Christmas, and to remember how God acted throughout salvation history to prepare His people for Jesus' birth 2000 years ago. But also that Advent is a special time for us to prepare for receiving Jesus in the Blessed Sacrament and also to prepare for His coming at the end of time as well as the end of our own lives. And God is there in the waiting, loving us and acting in our lives.
And I think of how indescribably patient He is with me. He knows when I fall, and He still loves me. He knows when my intentions are good, and not so good, and He still loves me. He knows my struggles and my bad habits. He loves me no matter what I do, but He loves me too much to let me get away with bad choices. He knows that sometimes I have to hear or experience the same thing again and again and again, sometimes years apart, before it will really sink in. And like the perfect Father that He is, He knows that the lesson is learned so much better when I arrive at it when I am able to understand it.
I want to be like you.