Ok, everyone out there: raise your hand if you like pain and suffering.
Yeah, that's what I thought.
No one likes pain, and I am right there with you. But as we all know, pain is part of life, and definitely part of the spiritual life. Being Christian doesn't mean we escape pain and suffering, but it does mean that God is right there in the midst of it, and can make it redemptive. Our pain has value. We and others can grow from our pain and become the people that God desires us to be.
I love this quote from C. S. Lewis:
"We are not necessarily doubting that God will do the best for us; we are wondering how painful the best will turn out to be."
Man, he's good.
I've heard that the assignment committee will be meeting mid-February to make referrals. Mid-February: that's next week!! Yay!!!! As far as I know, we are still at #15 on the wait list, which is still quite a distance from #1, so I don't think it extremely likely that we will receive our referral from this meeting. It is certainly possible, depending on how many children are paper-ready, and the specifics of the requests of the families that are in the queue above us. You know I am hoping and praying that a referral might come our way, but I don't think I will be extremely disappointed if we don't get the call. [How can I help but be a little disappointed.] Anyway, even if we don't get the call, someone else will, or maybe lots of someones, which will be so absolutely thrilling for them, and I will be joyful for their joy, and will be doing my happy dance for them. As long as we have been waiting, they have been waiting even longer. Man, that is painful just thinking about. We've passed the fifteen month mark on the wait list, and these other families have been waiting longer than that. So I will be happy for those that get referrals, and also, if other families get referrals, that will bump us up on the list, which will be really great. Just that much closer to our little #3 and #4!!
The thing is, though, we had to pass through a seriously painful period to get to this spot. I couldn't even talk about it on this blog or with friends. I barely had the ability to talk about it with my husband, and even then, I could hardly get the words out. "What if," I squeaked, "What if we don't get a referral? What if something happens, and we don't get a referral?" I was still hopeful, but things were looking a tad grim. And my oh so wise husband paused ever so briefly and said, "Well, at least we know we have been faithful." I tell you, that was a balm on my soul. The pain didn't go away, but those words helped me to bear it.
Yes most definitely I want #3 and #4 to come home to us. I want it so much it brings tears to my eyes, and I physically ache for them. I want them to come home to us more than anything, except one thing. And that one thing is doing God's will in my life. With all our hearts, we believed that adopting #3 and #4 was God's will for our life. And then we were faced with the possibility that maybe that wasn't it. Not that God had changed His mind of course, but that maybe His will was that we be open to the possibility of #3 and #4 but that more importantly, we be brought closer to Him through the long and trying process, that we grow in our trust in Him, and that we fully surrender to His will. He met us where we were, and brought us along to a better place. And it was painful getting there.
We still believe that we are doing what God is calling us to do in pursuing this adoption, but we are trusting that even if it doesn't happen, God is doing what is best.